"So...Why Exactly Are You Calling Again?"

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that afterwards, you actually feel dumber for having talked to them?

As in - you're talking, you're talking, and oh - look - there goes my brain cells...they're actually dying as we speak...

Enter the phone call I received yesterday on my business line. (Also known as the rental phone...also known as the direct line to all the crazies in Rutherford County...)

Me: (Answering the phone after the same person has called 3 times in a row without leaving a message while I was on the other line) "So-and-So Rentals."

Crackhead: "Hello?"

Me: "Hello, So-and-So Rentals."

Crackhead: "Hello?"

Me: "HELLO? S0-AND-SO RENTALS." (for the love of...gheesss...)

Crackhead: "Um, yayiss...I'm callin' to find out how to break my lease...you know, what your policy is on how to do that."

Me: "Uh-huh...well, there isn't really a policy. If you break your lease, you lose your deposit, are responsible for the rent payment until the property is re-rented, court costs and other fees."

Crackhead: (long pause) "So - I can't, like, pay a fee or somethin'?"

Me: "Like, no, you can't pay a fee. There isn't a fee. I just told you exactly what will happen if you break your lease. You are legally responsible and liable for the lease you voluntarily signed. Do you understand that?"

Crackhead: (an even longer pause) "Um, well...yeah, I mean...but I can't just pay a fee?"

Me: "THERE IS NO FEE!!!! YOU CAN'T BREAK YOUR LEASE!"

Crackhead: "So...I guess, what you're saying is, I can't break my lease?"

Me: (pondering a cocktail at this point) "No. NO. You can't. Not without all of that stuff happening that I just told you about a few seconds ago."

Crackhead: "Oh...ok...well...ok....hmmm.....ok....well....hmmmm....I just...ok...."

Me: "What property did you say you rent?"

Crackhead: "Oh, well, I don't rent one."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Crackhead: "Yeah, I don't rent one."

Me: (about to jump through the phone) "So - let me get this straight. You're calling to find out how to break your lease, but you're telling me that you don't rent from us. Is that correct?"

Crackhead: "Yeah."

Me: "Uh-huh. So you just randomly found this phone number, and just randomly called, hoping there might be someone on the other end of the line to tell you what you want to know?"

Crackhead: "Yeah, uh-huh."

Me: (laughing) "Ok...right, right. Listen, can I give you a little hint?"

Crackhead: "Um..."

Me: "You know, since you're just a pretend tenant, and you just are calling about a pretend situation, let me tell you that you'll actually need to call Mr. So-and-So, you know, your pretend landlord, if you are going to break your pretend lease, because, you know, he'll be the one to pretend to take you to court and pretend to throw all of your stuff out on the pretend lawn."

Crackhead: "What's that phone number?"



Off to bang my head against a pretend wall.